Learning To Love Myself…

I hear people all the time in relationships say “My babe completes me” … “I don’t know where I would be without them.” etc. etc. Let me enlighten you, your babe shouldn’t complete you, you should be whole. And you would be exactly where you are now, with or without them.

I feel that in relationships, the other person shouldn’t complete you, they should be an extension of you. Your other half is someone you should want to share your life with, not make your life. To do that, you have to learn to love yourself.

Too often we forget about what really makes us happy. I know that I lost my way for a while and I’m finally back in a place where I can say “I’m content.” I don’t need to be happy, I don’t need to have a great day everyday, I just need to be content with my decisions knowing that I’m doing the best I can. I am the top person who criticizes myself and puts myself down. I always make comments like “I’m stupid” or “I’m so fat.” Knowing damn well neither of those is true, I need to stop doing that to myself. So I’m not exactly where I want to be weight wise, who cares? I’m far better off than I was a year ago. I don’t make the money I want to be making, who cares? I’m making more than I did at my last job and I am working on getting there. I’m just learning to love myself and love who I am becoming.

Living alone has really caused me to grow up in the past few months I’ve been here. There is no one here to cook me meals, do my laundry, pay the bills, clean the house or make sure I get up for work on time. It’s all my responsibility. The crazy thing…I’m still alive. I haven’t managed to kill myself yet by setting the house on fire. My clothes still fit and they are clean because I do my own laundry. Cooking, not my forte, but I’m learning to get by. I’m even trying new ideas because eventually I want to be able to provide for someone who may not have the opportunities that I have now. When something is dirty, I clean it. When it’s broken, I fix it (well, I try too). It’s just about growing up and knowing that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself to get the job done. Sad reality, but true.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, none of us do. But I do know that I’m living in the moment. I’m focusing on number one right now and learning to spend time with myself. I don’t need to go out partying every night with friends just to prove I’m loved. I am learning to find love on the inside and being okay with who I am. I think I’m doing a pretty good job. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself. Like I said, I’m the worst at that. I constantly compare myself to people my age who are doing better than me and I’m constantly trying to pick myself up by being better than everyone else I know. The thing I’m learning is that the only person I need to be better than, is myself from yesterday. If I am constantly improving, no matter how small, I’m doing a good job.

Start doing things for yourself is what I’m trying to get at here. Treat yourself to a movie, a dinner, a bottle of wine, a weekend alone or anything else. Take time to disconnect with everyone and have some “me time.” You will find how amazingly energized and empowered that makes you. I’m starting to love it. The rest…well that will fall into place when the time is ready.



The Rebuilding of C.T.

Christopher Thomas Kerney was brought into the world (without a Twitter update) on January 23rd, 1985 at 3:45 in the afternoon. Yes, for all you math nerds out there, my birthday is 0-1-2-3-3-4-5. How cute, right? I’ve gone through a lot in my time on this earth. The one thing I always realize I do is that I care too much and work too hard. I am a resilient person. No matter what knocks me down, I get back up and usually I’m even stronger than before.

I like who I am. Most people don’t say that. I love my greatest qualities and I love my worst qualities. My greatest quality is that I’m a pit bull. I protect anyone I care for. My worst quality is that I’m a pit bull because I will fly off the handle and rip someone’s face off for hurting a friend. I take the good with the bad. I laugh too hard and too loud but at least I’m laughing. I honestly do like the person that I am.

Every year, I tend to go through this rebuilding or rebranding phase of my life. Whether it was the transition from Chris to C.T. (due to my massive weight loss) or when I changed my hair color to add some spice to my life, I try new things. I like the idea of reinventing myself and doing what makes me happy.

I’ve been focusing on my life lately on the professional side and the personal side. I’m at a job that I absolutely love. I am working in my field and I am absolutely happy. I wish I made more money but come on, who doesn’t? If that’s my biggest complaint in life, I think I’m doing pretty well. I work with a great staff and my ideas are not only taken into consideration but most of the time are used. We have some great client success due to it. I really feel like I am being consulted as a professional and an expert. It’s a great feeling to know that people want your opinion on a smart business decision.

On the other side, I’ve been in the gym working out a lot smarter and a lot harder. I have friends who have been training with me to help me achieve my goals and right now I fee like there is nothing that can stop me. I’m not doing it for anyone but myself. I’m not gonna lie though it does feel good when someone you haven’t seen in a while comes up to you and says how great you look (Cough Morristown on Saturday Cough). I saw an old friend from college and she really made my night by telling me that.

On another front, I bought myself a car. Bethesda was falling apart. I loved her, I really did but the Jeep had to go. I went from an ’01 Jeep to a ’12 Mazda 3 and I love her now too. I haven’t named her yet but when inspiration strikes, I will have a great name for her.

Other than that, life is coming together. We have our first round of playoffs on Sunday. We finished 7-7, which is the best we’ve ever done so yay team. I love them, all of them. We do a lot more laughing than anything, which probably isn’t good featuring it’s a softball team but if you can’t laugh, you might as well be dead.

large <–Words to live by.

And Then You Walked By…

I was fine with the way my life was going. I had a great job in the city working for a startup right on Park Ave. I had just become single again after my last relationship blew up in my face. I wasn’t really worried about it though because I was focusing on my career. Everything was good.

Then I got laid off. Not the easiest day of my life but it wasn’t anything I had done personally plus my CEO said she would give me a good recommendation for any job I applied for.

I went back to my apartment and I just relaxed and tried to soak it all in. My mom called and I told her what happened. She told me to come visit her and I did. I spent some time there and she told me to move back home. She said I could live in her house as she was living with her boyfriend and the house was sitting there. I took the opportunity. I gave in to my pride and I moved home.

This time would be different though. The house, was under my command. I lived here, alone. That’s what I’ve been doing. Living. Since I got laid off from my job, it took me only three weeks to find a new career. An even better fit for me with more money and better perks. Can’t complain about that.

So I moved home, got a new job and then we started talking. We were friends before this, having a few interactions here and there. Then something changed and we went on a date. Then a second date. 5 or 6 dates later and we were officially an “item.”

Then I bought myself a car because I needed a new one. It was a great deal and I couldn’t pass it up. 11 years newer than the car I had previously. Who could say no?

So in June, I was starting my life on Park Ave in NYC dealing with the endings of a relationship. By September, I had gained a house, a new job, a significant other and a new car. Whoever says things happen for a reason couldn’t have been more right and I couldn’t be happier about it. You can hold up on this chapter for a while life, this is my favorite so far.


A New Piece I’m Producing

For those of you who don’t know me, I started working in NYC last month. I travel from Jersey everyday Monday-Friday on the train. I usually listen to my headphones and don’t bother with the crowded people around me as it’s early and it’s hot and everyone is sweating and smelly, etc.

A year or two ago, I read an article where a man in my field said “Don’t listen to your headphones in public places. You never know what networking opportunities you may be missing by being anti-social.” I had thought about it yesterday morning and I realized he was right. I am a very social person and have no problem talking to anyone so I decided to ditch the headphones.

The next thing that happened was magical…

There were these two obnoxious women sitting on the train doing nothing but complaining. At first, I was thinking “Just put your headphones in and drown out these hags” but then the one said something that I couldn’t resist; they had me intrigued. The one says to the other “Your daughter stayed home again today from work?” The other responded, “Yes. She has been working in the city for months now and she works for her employer everyday. Not once has her employer ever bought her lunch. She can’t be expected to spend 10+ dollars in the city everyday for lunch. What other choice does she have? I just can’t believe her employer doesn’t buy them lunch everyday. Like I said, she works there 8+ hours a day. What is she going to do” The two ladies just sat there, looking at each other in confusion. It was clear neither of them had any idea of what the daughter could do.

I thought I was being punked at first. I was waiting for the cameras to come out with Ashton Kutcher. But they were both serious and neither of them had a solid answer on what the daughter could do. So as we are getting off the train, I look down at the women and I said, because god forbid I ever keep my mouth shut, “It’s called peanut butter and jelly. Tell her to try brining lunch from home. What a crazy concept right?”

And I smiled and walked off the train. From that point on, my new piece, #TrainStories was born. I am going to not use my headphones everyday and listen to conversations overheard on the train and I may or may not say something but I will update you to the outrageous conversations and comments I hear. I am taking one for the team and sacrificing my music time to dig deep in the trenches of the NJ transit train system.

Please, feel free to help me by adding your own comments and stories of the crazy things you hear. I would love the feedback and story-telling.

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Who Is This Kid?

So life has changed a lot in the past two weeks. I’ve done a complete 180 and things couldn’t be better.

To start off, I have a new job in midtown Manhattan working as a social media content producer. We are creating videos to teach businesses how to use social media to help increase their business. It’s a cool office on Park Ave and I love it. The people are great and it’s a lot of fun working here. I can’t wait to see what these videos look like! Plus I have a sick office view which is awesome. This is something I could really see myself being good at. Plus, I get to really learn in-depth social media tactics that I had no prior knowledge of. This makes me an even stronger candidate when I go for my next career which will hopefully be a long time from now.


I started dating someone. We met at a bar and went on a few dates, now we’re a thing. My mom told me that I should start going to new places and make new friends and I would find someone. Mom’s always know best, especially mine. I feel like a new person and that feeling is wonderful.

It’s finally starting to get warm again which is nice. I love shorts and our office is very casual so I can wear them to work. I can get a nice tan going and go to the beach, day drinking, outside live, etc.

Softball’s going well. Since I lost a little bit more weight and started lifting, I’m hitting the ball much further and harder. Plus, I’m even faster now. I didn’t think that was possible but it is.

Life seems to be going well right now. Let’s hope I don’t screw this up!! Enjoy your weekend friends.

I’m Not A Fitness Expert But 60lbs Speaks For Itself

I am not what you call a fitness expert. I don’t have a six-pack of abs and I’m not completely ripped. I have fat on me, that’s true, mostly everyone does. I do know how to lose weight and get in shape because I have tried everything and I see what works and what doesn’t. I have lost just about 60lbs since I graduated from college. I was 225 the day I received my diploma. As of Friday, I weighed 166lbs. Let me tell you about what I’ve learned in my experience. 

Going a crash course diet does nothing for you. All of a sudden you go from eating normal food to this outrageous diet plan where you can’t eat 99% of the foods you love? Trust me, it won’t work. Yes, you may lose 25lbs in a couple months and be happy but once you go off that crazy diet plan, which you eventually will, you will gain it all back. It’s not about getting rid of all the food you love completely; it’s about moderation. While losing the weight I did, I didn’t give up any of the food I loved. I still drank alcohol, I ate bacon cheeseburgers, I ate pizza, etc. I also included things in my diet like fish, chicken, grilled foods, vegetables, fruits, salads, etc. I started eating those more and more and less of the other stuff but I never got rid of the fatty stuff because every once in a while, I told myself I earned it and I could enjoy it without feeling guilty. 

The same principal goes with people who jump on shake diets. I’m sorry, if you are going to have a shake for breakfast, one for lunch and a sensible dinner, you are basically starving yourself. You are better off using protein shakes as snacks to and recovery from workouts while still eating healthy. Try something like this: Instead of having a bacon egg and cheese on a biscuit from a fast food chain, have an  eggwhite omelet with turkey and a bowl of oatmeal. If you don’t like oatmeal, have some fruit. 

Also, find an exercise you like. When I first started going to the gym, I hated it. I was out of shape and I wasn’t able to do much. I have a competitive side though and I found each time I went to the gym that it become easier to stay there. Once the gym becomes part of your everyday life, your body gets upset when you don’t go. Take your time and ease into things. Don’t try to run 5 miles in 30 minutes and lift 250lbs of weights on your first day. You know what your body can handle. Everytime you go, push yourself a little harder and eventually you will get there. It takes work and dedication but you will get there, I promise.

Finally, with eating. I started small. Instead of eating ranch with my french fries, I ate ketchup. Small step. Instead of fried chicken, eat grilled chicken. Just make one smart decision a day when picking your food and go from there. Eventually, it becomes second nature and you find that it wasn’t a struggle to eat what you want. You are just eating it a different way. Rye or Wheat bread over white; things like that. It’s the smartest way to get in shape and you won’t fall off the “wagon,” because there’s no wagon to fall off of. Just remember why you are doing it also. Every does it for a reason. Keep that reason in the back of your mind when making decisions on food and exercise and stay focused. You can do this. I did, and 59lbs later, I’m still going strong. 


Singles Awareness Day

I’m having a bit of a dry spell lately. The last two people I was dating both ended pretty abruptly. Neither of which were my fault, I just really know how to pick ’em. I’ve been really stressed about this; like more than I should be but I can’t help it. 

Back when I was fat, I had a few people who told me “you would be much more attractive if you lost weight.” So 59lbs later and I am no longer fat and I actually look pretty good. Now, people keep telling me that I lost too much weight. Make up your minds people! Should I be skinny or fat? Either way, I like the way I look now and I am seeing a lot more attention for it. I don’t mind it; who would? I just keep meeting these people who keep making me hate dating.

These online sites don’t work. I’ve met nothing but creeps. I’ve been on all of them and I am at my breaking point with that. Between yesterday and today though, I’ve seen nothing but all these cute and happy couples all kissing and being so in love while I am sitting around going “Well at least I worked out today.” I don’t know if its the weather or what not but if I don’t meet someone soon, I may snap. I never cared about being single, I’m pretty used to it but I am just acting for a fling for a few months and to have some fun. Is that so hard? Someone to bring it all back. 

If I see one more couple kiss in front of me though, I may punch them in the face. That’s the kind of day I’m having. I need a drink…


I Fell Off The Face Of The Earth

It’s been so long since I have been able to write in this, I feel like a piece of me has been missing. So much has changed in the past few months that I can barely wrap my head around it.

I started a new job. I am bar tending at a bar in Fort Lee. It’s a great part-time job for the time being. This bar is a lot more upscale than the last place I worked and I have met some great people that I have been networking with to try and find a job in Manhattan. My great personality really allows people to connect with me at the bar and they seem to love me there. 

I am back in Lyndhurst, living with dad again. Ever since I got laid off from my other job, things have been rough but they are coming together and I am slowly getting back on my feet. Let’s hope this trend stays this way and I can have a nice relaxing summer.

Softball started again this weekend. I’m on a new Saturday team with half of my old team and some new additions. My cousin and his wife are playing so I’m excited to be playing with them again. I missed them. We played a tough team this weekend but we split the games with them, won the first and lost the second. I, however, did great at bat. I was 8 for 8 with a triple, double and 6 singles. Clearly going to the gym is paying off as I am getting in much better shape and I am so much faster now then I was last year. I didn’t think that was possible but it is. 

I bought myself a Mac Book Pro. I didn’t have a laptop or a computer at all to use and have just been working off of my iPhone and iPad. I took the leap and invested in one. It was the best idea ever. I can do so much more now with applying for jobs, blogging and just going back to real life.

My goal for the summer is to be in shape and ripped. Since I have the time, I have been spending a lot of it in the gym really focusing on weight lifting and getting my body prepped for the summer. I have a goal to be in better shape for my 30th birthday, which is January, then I was at 20. Thanks to some help from my friends and some dedication, I think that goal may be come a reality. 

I’m going to see Hardwell this weekend and I can’t wait. I am going to the Sands casino out in Bethlehem, a casino I’ve never been too and my friends from college and I are going to rock out. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since I bought the tickets in January.

More later, it’s time for dinner.