Learning To Love Myself…

I hear people all the time in relationships say “My babe completes me” … “I don’t know where I would be without them.” etc. etc. Let me enlighten you, your babe shouldn’t complete you, you should be whole. And you would be exactly where you are now, with or without them.

I feel that in relationships, the other person shouldn’t complete you, they should be an extension of you. Your other half is someone you should want to share your life with, not make your life. To do that, you have to learn to love yourself.

Too often we forget about what really makes us happy. I know that I lost my way for a while and I’m finally back in a place where I can say “I’m content.” I don’t need to be happy, I don’t need to have a great day everyday, I just need to be content with my decisions knowing that I’m doing the best I can. I am the top person who criticizes myself and puts myself down. I always make comments like “I’m stupid” or “I’m so fat.” Knowing damn well neither of those is true, I need to stop doing that to myself. So I’m not exactly where I want to be weight wise, who cares? I’m far better off than I was a year ago. I don’t make the money I want to be making, who cares? I’m making more than I did at my last job and I am working on getting there. I’m just learning to love myself and love who I am becoming.

Living alone has really caused me to grow up in the past few months I’ve been here. There is no one here to cook me meals, do my laundry, pay the bills, clean the house or make sure I get up for work on time. It’s all my responsibility. The crazy thing…I’m still alive. I haven’t managed to kill myself yet by setting the house on fire. My clothes still fit and they are clean because I do my own laundry. Cooking, not my forte, but I’m learning to get by. I’m even trying new ideas because eventually I want to be able to provide for someone who may not have the opportunities that I have now. When something is dirty, I clean it. When it’s broken, I fix it (well, I try too). It’s just about growing up and knowing that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself to get the job done. Sad reality, but true.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, none of us do. But I do know that I’m living in the moment. I’m focusing on number one right now and learning to spend time with myself. I don’t need to go out partying every night with friends just to prove I’m loved. I am learning to find love on the inside and being okay with who I am. I think I’m doing a pretty good job. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself. Like I said, I’m the worst at that. I constantly compare myself to people my age who are doing better than me and I’m constantly trying to pick myself up by being better than everyone else I know. The thing I’m learning is that the only person I need to be better than, is myself from yesterday. If I am constantly improving, no matter how small, I’m doing a good job.

Start doing things for yourself is what I’m trying to get at here. Treat yourself to a movie, a dinner, a bottle of wine, a weekend alone or anything else. Take time to disconnect with everyone and have some “me time.” You will find how amazingly energized and empowered that makes you. I’m starting to love it. The rest…well that will fall into place when the time is ready.



The Rebuilding of C.T.

Christopher Thomas Kerney was brought into the world (without a Twitter update) on January 23rd, 1985 at 3:45 in the afternoon. Yes, for all you math nerds out there, my birthday is 0-1-2-3-3-4-5. How cute, right? I’ve gone through a lot in my time on this earth. The one thing I always realize I do is that I care too much and work too hard. I am a resilient person. No matter what knocks me down, I get back up and usually I’m even stronger than before.

I like who I am. Most people don’t say that. I love my greatest qualities and I love my worst qualities. My greatest quality is that I’m a pit bull. I protect anyone I care for. My worst quality is that I’m a pit bull because I will fly off the handle and rip someone’s face off for hurting a friend. I take the good with the bad. I laugh too hard and too loud but at least I’m laughing. I honestly do like the person that I am.

Every year, I tend to go through this rebuilding or rebranding phase of my life. Whether it was the transition from Chris to C.T. (due to my massive weight loss) or when I changed my hair color to add some spice to my life, I try new things. I like the idea of reinventing myself and doing what makes me happy.

I’ve been focusing on my life lately on the professional side and the personal side. I’m at a job that I absolutely love. I am working in my field and I am absolutely happy. I wish I made more money but come on, who doesn’t? If that’s my biggest complaint in life, I think I’m doing pretty well. I work with a great staff and my ideas are not only taken into consideration but most of the time are used. We have some great client success due to it. I really feel like I am being consulted as a professional and an expert. It’s a great feeling to know that people want your opinion on a smart business decision.

On the other side, I’ve been in the gym working out a lot smarter and a lot harder. I have friends who have been training with me to help me achieve my goals and right now I fee like there is nothing that can stop me. I’m not doing it for anyone but myself. I’m not gonna lie though it does feel good when someone you haven’t seen in a while comes up to you and says how great you look (Cough Morristown on Saturday Cough). I saw an old friend from college and she really made my night by telling me that.

On another front, I bought myself a car. Bethesda was falling apart. I loved her, I really did but the Jeep had to go. I went from an ’01 Jeep to a ’12 Mazda 3 and I love her now too. I haven’t named her yet but when inspiration strikes, I will have a great name for her.

Other than that, life is coming together. We have our first round of playoffs on Sunday. We finished 7-7, which is the best we’ve ever done so yay team. I love them, all of them. We do a lot more laughing than anything, which probably isn’t good featuring it’s a softball team but if you can’t laugh, you might as well be dead.

large <–Words to live by.